As I am reading my CareFlash blog entry of October 19/11, I am overwhelmed at all that I had gone through in, looking back, what seemed like a short time.
- received the news of Breast Cancer,
- had an unsuccessful surgery,
- received a prescription for a wig,
- bought wigs,
- realized that it was Breast Cancer Stage 3 not 1 or 2
- immediately started Chemotherapy,
- started the steroids amongst other drugs,
- learned to embrace drugs,
- lost my hair,
- had a grand-daughter – Sweet Pea
- abandoned the wigs, because the steroids caused swelling
- realized that “it was just about the hair” when in public,
- suffered through the Chills,
- suffered through the lack of energy,
- watched my grandchildren adjust; they always came to my house starving but not now, now they just crawled into bed with me and played on the iPad 🙂
- read what I could, when I could, about Breast Cancer and Sub-Breast Cancers,
- fought denial,
- had a grandson – Little Sprout
- learned to give myself injections,
- asked for help from anyone available,
- told the truth about Breast Cancer: there is no cure, I won’t be back, I will always have Breast Cancer, I will have a new normal.
- been in the hospital with a fever while on Chemotherapy,
- connected with other women with a similar diagnosis,
- dealt with side effects of the steroids and anti-nausea drugs,
- lost my eyebrows and eyelashes,
- lost my nose hair,
- lost my sense of taste,
- dealt with mouth sores,
- lost my toenails,
- began to lose my fingernails,
- to learn to deal with neuropathy in my fingertips and feet.
At my Oncology appointment Dr. D offered to reduce the dose of my Docetaxal to 75% and I took his offer. It was sad for me. I really wanted to have done all of it, at the 100% dose but it is just too difficult now. Once the Chemo goes in, there are no adjustments to be made. I also agreed to 10 injections from 7, to begin them on the Thursday rather than the Friday. He told me that I had done very well, the Chemo, dose I am taking is the highest dose they can give, anything higher I would be hospitalized, so I agreed to reduce the dose. (CareFlash Oct. 18/11)
During that time a girlfriend picked up and dropped off my sister-in-law at the airport. Another took me for lunch and shoe shopping which entailed driving me directly to the door of the shop because I could barely walk … I was exhausted but it was mentally so very good for me. Wore the shoes until I lost my toe nails. Still can’t ware the shoes, my big toe nails are still missing and they rub against the top of shoes! 🙂 She also cleaned out my closet and took bags of clothes to Good Will. G took me to Book Club even though I couldn’t read, my eyes were too sore. At the time, none of these things I could do myself! Looking back I am amazed at all the help I received and all the help I needed!
I have realized that I am a “glass 1/2 full” person and I don’t always see the negative and then when I do. I am shocked. Maybe I can change that, maybe not. I have also realized how important each one of you are in my life. I love all the soups and muffins but its your presence I love most. It’s an essence after you have been here or I have been with you. And believe me I am excited when you drop over. Thank you for being here with me. I am almost 1/2 way through. (CareFlash Oct. 19/11)
I am very much wondering what it is all about.
My cousin often refers me to the scene in the movie “The Gods Must Be Crazy” where the guys are playing cards while the rest of the world is at war, chaos is all around them, they just continue playing cards.
Is it really just like that?
Certainly 2011 has been exactly like that!
Maybe my wounds don’t matter; it’s love and relationships that do!